its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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