I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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