I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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