Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
