literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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