Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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