Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
