im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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