Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
