Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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