Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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