i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
that is very illegal...i love you.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
