I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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