Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
