I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
