Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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