I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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