ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
