My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
