Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
