and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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