cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Vodka?
Forever.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
