Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
