If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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