is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
