I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
