don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
