Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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