i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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