She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
