Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
