1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I don't deserve a penis
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
