Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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