i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
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