he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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