I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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