Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
