My hair reeks of homosexuality.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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