I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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