She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
