I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
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