Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
This is my gift to your gina
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
