His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
