I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
