...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
