we're chasing vodka with high fives
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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