kristin has been a bad kristin
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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