my phone needs a breathalizer
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
