Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
