You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
