Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
