1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize
