I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
