Swine flu. Run for my life!
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I did not marry a roomba.
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