Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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