can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
