I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
