Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize