I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
