you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
