Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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