He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
