I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
