She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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