Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
