FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
