Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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