I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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