She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
